Fat
by The Little House Scribe
Summary: Harry Potter thought he had it hard, with a full trial in front of the Wizengamot.  PSSH! His cousin had the real issues, as this one-shot shows.


Dudley Dursley peered down the walkway where Harry Potter had saved him from the invisible Dementors. For a few weeks, Dudley had not spoken with his friends, and was surprised at the unusual feelings he'd been having about himself, and the way he treated other people.

Dudley turned around. To his surprise, there stood Gordon, Dennis, Malcolm and Piers Polkiss, his gang of friends.

"Yo, Big D, where you been, man? We've been lookin' for you." Piers asked.

"Yeah, we ain't seen you around Smeltings lately. So where you been, huh?" Malcolm inquired.

Dudley shrugged. "Oh, you know, around…"

"Want a piece of pizza?" Piers asked, fishing around in his pockets. "Think I got an extra piece around here somewhere." Piers finished, producing a slice of pizza and brandishing it at Dudley.

"Oh, that's okay, thanks." Dudley replied, declining the offer of pizza.

"Yo, Ding-dong man, Ding-dong, Ding-Dong, yo." Gordon said.

"Yo, eat this man. It's good for you." Malcolm stated, offering Dudley a burger.

"I'm not really very hungry right now." Dudley said, gently pushing Malcolm's hand away.

"Hey man, what it is with you?" Piers demanded, moving forward. "You on some kind of diet? Is that what they teach at that little sissy gym of yours?"

"Back off me man, back off!" Dudley replied.

"The question is," Piers continued. "Are you fat, or what?"

"Leave me alone!" Dudley replied tensely.

Piers stepped forward and grabbed Dudley. "I said, are you fat?"

"Get off me man, stop it!" Dudley replied.

Piers let go. "You ain't with us no more, you ain't fat, you ain't…"

"You ain't fat, you ain't nothing. You ain't nothing!" Dudley cried, shaking his finger in Piers' face.

There was a slight pause as the tension surrounded the five. Then, Dudley's gym colleagues, all overweight, having started attendence to shape up, leapt out from behind stobie poles as music began to mysteriously play.

Dudley stared at Piers, before turning his head slightly, turning it back, then lifted and lowered his right arm quickly.

To everyone's astonishment, Dudley's boxing muscles began to expand, his arms, legs and face continued to grow, stretching his T-shirt and popping his buckles and buttons on his belt and jeans.

Dudley began singing with his gym buddies dancing in the background.

"_Your butt is wide, well mine is too  
>Just watch your mouth or I'll sit on you<br>The word is out, better treat me right  
>'Cause I'm the king of cellulite<br>Ham on, ham on, ham on whole wheat, all right."_

One of Dudley's friends handed him a sandwich, which he gobbled in one hit.

"_My zippers bust, my buckles break  
>I'm too much man for you to take<br>The pavement cracks when I fall down  
>I've got more chins than Chinatown.<br>_

_Well, I've never used a phone booth  
>And I've never seen my toes<br>When I'm goin' to the movies  
>I take up seven rows.<br>_

_Because I'm fat, I'm fat, come on  
>(Fat, fat, really really fat)<br>You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it  
>(Fat, fat, really really fat)<br>You know I'm fat, I'm fat, come on you know  
>(Fat, fat, really really fat)<br>Don't you call me pudgy, portly or stout  
>Just now tell me once again who's fat<em>

_When I walk out to get my mail  
>It measures on the Richter scale<br>Down at the beach I'm a lucky man  
>I'm the only one who gets a tan<br>If I have one more pie a la mode  
>I'm gonna need my own zip code<em>

_When you're only having seconds  
>I'm having twenty-thirds<br>When I go to get my shoes shined  
>I gotta take their word<em>

_Because I'm fat, I'm fat, sha mone  
>(Fat, fat, really really fat)<br>You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it  
>(Fat, fat, really really fat)<br>You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it you know  
>(Fat, fat, really really fat)<br>And my shadow weighs forty-two pounds  
>Lemme tell you once again who's fat<em>

_If you see me comin' your way  
>Better give me plenty space<br>If I tell you that I'm hungry  
>Then won't you feed my face<em>

_Because I'm fat, I'm fat, sha mone  
>(Fat, fat, really really fat)<br>You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it  
>(Fat, fat, really really fat)<br>You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know  
>(Fat, fat, really really fat)<br>Woo woo woo, when I sit around the house  
>I really sit around the house<em>

_You know I'm fat, I'm fat, come on  
>(Fat, fat, really really fat)<br>You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know it  
>(Fat, fat, really really fat)<br>You know, you know, you know, come on  
>(Fat, fat, really really fat)<br>And you know all by myself I'm a crowd  
>Lemme tell you once again<em>

_You know I'm huge, I'm fat, you know it  
>(Fat, fat, really really fat)<br>You know I'm fat, you know, hoo  
>(Fat, fat, really really fat)<br>You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know  
>(Fat, fat, really really fat)<br>And the whole world knows I'm fat and I'm proud  
>Just tell me once again who's fat."<br>_

**Song: Fat (Parody of Michael Jackson's Bad) by Weird Al Yankovic. I own nothing except the idea.**


End file.
